Dear fellow early morning swimmer at my pool,
You know how I know you’re a triathlete?
1. You wear Speedo Fastskin II jammers every morning. I know triathletes are gear junkies – and yes, these $120+ jammers will help you swim faster. But they’re really only intended for racing, and because of the material, they have a short life span. The first time I saw you in them, I thought you might be testing out some race gear… but now that I’ve seen you in them every day, I want to let you know that you can pick up about three pairs of polyester jammers for less than the cost of that Fastskin, and they will last you basically forever.
2. You wear the Speedo Aqua-V Silicone cap every day. Again, this is a cap generally used for racing. I’m not sure why you own one, because every triathlon I’ve done has specific caps they make you wear. By the way, you can wear those freebie caps when you train, too. But if you prefer spending $20 for a 5% drag reduction every day that you train, I guess at least your practice logs will look stellar.
3. You do open turns. I understand that flip turns are difficult to master. I also understand that there is a major debate among the triathlete community about their value. All I know is that EVERY swimmer, even ones that compete professionally in Open Water Swims, do flip turns. They provide continuity and rhythm. If you prefer not to do them, that is fine. However, your open turns are soooo slow! My college coach used to claim that our breaststroke and butterfly turns were so slow we could eat a sandwich while we did them. He would beat us with pool noodles. When they are that slow, you’re essentially breaking up your swim into a bunch of 25s. If you insist on doing open turns, speed them up! With the stellar outfit you’re sporting in the pool to make you faster, your turns are killing you!
4. You wear a watch that counts your laps and beeps incessantly… another product of the gear addiction. Please turn the sound off. It interferes with my joy I find in my sunrise swims.
5. Today, you wore a heart rate monitor.
There isn’t anything actually wrong with what you are doing. I just want you to understand the reasoning behind the strange looks that the lifeguards and swimmers are giving you 🙂
Sincerely,
A 25 year old swimmer with a 20 year long swimming career.
P.S. Your form is decent. I’d be happy to teach you how to do flip turns…
I'd Rather Be Swimming 
“Today, you wore a heart rate monitor.”
That’s funny right there.
This is great!
“He would beat us with pool noodles.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!